Lets get stress a way! post some joke u know

[Aussiexpat]

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

 

The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."

 

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

 

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

 

The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."

 

A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

 

The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"

 

"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

[Aussiexpat]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 

All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!"

 

Then POOF!......she was gone!

 

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

 

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

 

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"

[Al.]

I have an idea to lower teenage pregnancy rates in the UK.

 

Replace the current sex education in our schools with porn.

 

It would mean the girls would accept anal as the norm and the boys would know to pull out and come on the girl's tits.

[redmac]

A 95 year old man went to hospital for his yearly check up and to his surprise was given a jar and asked to provide a

sperm sample.

 

Two days later he returns with the still empty jar so the doctor asks what the problem is.

 

He explains... I'm really sorry but i tried everything i knew.... first my right hand then my left then my wife tried both hands then with her mouth first with her teeth in then with her teeth out......Then we got ethel from next door she tried the same as my wife.....But it was still no good

We still couldnt get fucking lid off the jar

[thailandkid]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind

him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a

doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike

replies. There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the

corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you

what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and

costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to

the

drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights

up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the

slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a

printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and

avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine

samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the

mixture for good measure.

 

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.

He

deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits

the results. The computer prints the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

 

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

 

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a

>lawyer.

 

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never

get better

[Trivex81]

Olaf vas vorking at de fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut

off all ten of his finkers.

 

He vent to de emergency room in de klinik and vhen he got dar de Norsky

doctor looked at Olaf and said:

 

"Let's haf de finkers and I'll see vhat I kan do".

 

 

Olaf said, "I hafen't got de finkers."

 

 

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got de finkers?" he said. "It's 2007, for

goodness sake! Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible tekniks.

 

I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink

de finkers?"

 

Olaf replies (irritably) ......

 

"How de fock vas I supposed to pick dem up?"

 

 

Hope you all enjoy!!!

[Trivex81]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm

while these exchanges were actually taking place.

============================================================

 

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that

you've forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when

he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

_____________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

_____________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

____________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

____________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

_____________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

____________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

____________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere.

 

 

 

 

Here is one more, not really a joke but a good ready for a laugh or what the F!!!

[Trivex81]

Also, I have to add this Blonde Joke.........

 

 

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on

Vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the

Worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors

Were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the

Shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out

And catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go

On and give it a try?"

 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young

Woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings

His car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and

Hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all

lying

Belly up.

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

 

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its

Back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP ! THIS

ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[flynn]

see if this will work with sound

FunniestJokeintheWorld.mp3

[Craigg]

Did you hear about the Irishman in a mastubating competition? He didn't come anywhere