DIARY - Days in the life of a Pattaya hotel owner

[Soovu]

Cheers Kevin,

 

Does the Jasmine have a website?? Couldnt find it if so, kept getting the one off Walking Street.

[Gman_j1w071a]

Kevin,

 

Your thread has brought much needed smiles to this military man's face after leaving good old Pattaya in Nov and returning to Iraq. Now back in the states dealing with the PTD (Post Thailand Depression) and counting down till the next trip in May. Your tales of dealing with the staff are laugh out loud funny and I can relate so well to them after being there training the Thai Army on and off from 2000-2004. Have to deal with Thai culture with a sense of humor or you will go mad. Will have to stop in and have a pint or two with ya on my next trip.

 

Cheers!!!

 

Gman (Troy)

[kevin meacher]

Cheers Kevin,

 

Does the Jasmine have a website?? Couldnt find it if so, kept getting the one off Walking Street.

 

www.jasminemansion.com

 

e-mail: [email protected]

 

I hope that this is of assistance.

 

Glad you like the stories GMAN, thanks for your comments.

 

NEWSFLASH at end of next week regarding the Diary

[Braveheart]

I just looked at your webite for the first time Kevin and I think it is well done. I would also like to thank you for adding us to your links page, it is much appreciated.

[kevin meacher]

Newsflash

[don_dadda]

1st off I would like to say congrats on the book! Its cool to be in the compan of a celebrity.

 

2nd...that shit is FUNNY

[Panudate]

I must say, i'm really enjoying the pain that is your life! lolzzzzz

[Soovu]

Wow!! Congratulations Kevin !!!

[kevin meacher]

ISSUE 13……

 

First of all let me update you with progress on my soon to be published book – I still cannot quite believe this is going to happen but will enjoy the feeling nonetheless!! I am now up over 50,000 words so only another 10,000 to reach my target and this should be done in the next couple of weeks. I imagine by the time I have finished I will be at 70,000 words which will give me some flexibility when I proof read and edit everything.

 

I am planning a trip to Nong Khai to sit overlooking the Mekong whilst I do the editing as I will need some peace, quiet and calm which is not easily found here in Pattaya. Although my home is in a peaceful area it is inhabited by my three children and their friends so working there is also a non starter.

 

All in all I believe I am on course to meet my own deadline of having everything done to hand over to the publishers by end March – then it is down to them.

 

Sometimes I sit in the hotel finding myself wishing for some minor disaster to occur so that I can write another story! I have started to loathe these days of normality where everyone behaves impeccably and all of our guests are absolutely charming. Perhaps news of my reports had filtered through to the outside world and the likely suspects no longer favour my establishment for fear of their sins being exposed!!

 

It is therefore rather ironic that as I should be having these thoughts one of our contractors decides to jolt me back to reality by endeavouring to blow up the hotel. No he was not planning sticks of dynamite around the building – although he may as well have been. In fact his job was one not normally associated with demolition – he was a sign fitter.

 

Having set up our WiFi connection we decided to commission a new neon sign for the café advertising the WiFi availability for our customers. The sign was duly delivered, it looked excellent and Mrs. Boss explained clearly to the fitter where the sign was to be placed. As is usual here the contractor nodded his complete understanding and Mrs. Boss and I departed for Sriratcha where my eldest son was performing in a school production that evening. Actually the truth is that my son had told us he was in a school production that day, however, he had made a mistake and it was in fact five days later! I think it best that I do not bother you with the way Mrs. Boss reacted having just driven to Sriratcha and knowing she had to do the same trip the next day to pick him up from school, two days later to return him to school and then again two days after that for the actual day of the production. I will just give you the rather obvious fact that Mrs. Boss was not a happy woman!!

 

We returned from Sriratcha and, fortunately, decided to pay a quick visit to the hotel rather than heading directly home. As we approached the new sign looked, from a hundred meters away, rather splendid and Mrs. Boss and I glanced at each other and nodded our agreement. However, as we neared the hotel we noticed little sparks emanating from the vicinity of the new sign that were rather a worrying and unnecessary additional touch. As we reached the hotel and stood by the sign it became glaringly, in several senses of the word, obvious that yet again a Thai descendant of Fred Karno had been at work.

 

The electric cable from the sign was a staggering 20 centimeters long when a cable of at least 3 meters was always going to be the minimum length required. In order to fix the shortage of cable an extension block and extension cable had been attached rather more poorly than one would expect from a blind man who was drunk and had lost the use of all limbs. This extension block and the cabling either side hung limply below the sign no doubt just waiting for a drop of rain to hit the exposed wires and set off some magical display! This, however, was only the minor problem. The sign had been erected on the main electricity junction box pole bringing the supply into the hotel. It had been positioned in such a way that it nestled comfortably next to the supply cables causing the sparks to fly that we had seen only moments before. Now as if this was not bad enough upon closer and rather circumspect inspection we noticed that our main power supply box was hanging a tad more limply than would be proper. The reason for this being that these dunderheads had removed the bolts that held the junction box to the pillar and used them to hold up the sign!!!! In all reality it is highly unlikely that Al-Queda’s top operatives could have devised a more certain way of destroying a building.

 

This complete botch of a job was not only a serious danger to passing pedestrians and vehicles but also very likely to start a major fire thus burning the hotel to the ground whilst incinerating our guests. Now whilst I will freely admit that the idea of incinerating guests is sometimes one that I take pleasure in contemplating, although usually it only applies to the odd one every now and again, it is certainly not relevant to any we have staying with us at the present time.

 

Mrs. Boss was her usual masterful self and launched into yet another one of her now famous tirades of abuse at the contractors. It is usually at this point that humble apologies follow from whoever is on the receiving end of Mrs. Boss’s vented spleen and a chain of events starts that leads to the eventual successful conclusion of the work as ordered. It was therefore rather a surprise to me that the contractors proceeded to argue the case for the defence when a simple guilty plea was really the only way out – a plea of insanity would, of course, also have been acceptable and highly appropriate. They even shouted at Mrs. Boss and I was at this point sure blood, theirs, was soon going to be spilled and probably enough of it would splatter over the exposed wires causing the incineration programme to commence. They even told her what they had done was safe telling her “We should know we have been doing this type of work for years” a fact already known to Mrs. Boss who had these two brothers for several years. Mrs. Boss, rather than shouting even louder or reaching for a heavy object, spoke calmly albeit her voice was cold and her eyes piercing. “If you actually knew what you were doing then you would not have only one working arm” she said to one brother and to the other “you would not have only one working leg”. She added “and if you do not do remove this sign and its lame excuse for wiring this instant then replace the bolts into the supply box you will no longer have the use of your remaining working limbs”. Fortunately this was enough and the message permeated there brains. They duly carried out the tasks as requested and departed with the sign.

 

Mrs. Boss spoke to these contractors the next day to have them come to the hotel to collect the drawing we had done for them showing the type of frame necessary to hold the sign and keep it far enough away from the supply box for safety purposes. They stopped by and suggested that their may be an extra charge but the look on Mrs. Boss’s face was enough for them to quickly tell us that in the circumstances this would be waived. At least they were learning!

 

The following day my mood was not permitted to improve much as we had a series of minor problems. Now these problems in isolation were as nothing compared to the fiasco with the new sign of previous days. However, a series of relatively minor irritations soon build up to become a bloody great rash and one finds oneself being pulled in so many different direction your life takes on a remarkable resemblance to that of a rag doll in the mouth of a Rottweiler who is in a rather bad temper. This always appears to be the case in life doesn’t it? There you are going along without so much as a care in the world when you do not just hit a bump but a series of them all in one go.

 

I had spent the morning unblocking sinks and toilets of which several appeared to have become blocked at the simultaneously. I suppose I should have seen this as an omen or portent of things to follow but I did not. The sink blockages were shortly followed by several calls to the reception desk by guests complaining of no water. Now this was a complete mystery to me as, upon investigation, the water pump appeared to be working fine and the hotel water tanks full to capacity. Our regular maintenance man arrived later than I had hoped but immediately set about the task of identifying the problem and getting the water supply back on to the rooms.

 

Now I am the first person to understand the considerable inconvenience a lack of water is to a guest of the hotel. As it is my hotel I am very apologetic and I explain the situation and what we are doing to remedy the problem to those that ask. I also put up a sign on the main door to the guest areas and a notice was delivered to all rooms explaining the situation and what action we were taking. However, I was not in a position to give anyone a cast iron guarantee of when the problem would be resolved as I did not know its nature thus how long it would take to remedy.

 

I am only human, there is only so much explaining and apologising a man can do. It is therefore unlikely that anyone would be able to maintain even a modicum of civility when one guest asks the same bloody question “When will the water be back on?” every ten minutes. He called me from his room phone several times before changing tack and coming downstairs at ten minute intervals with the kind of regularity that you could set your clock by and always to ask the same question. This was despite my having promised him most faithfully that I would let him know immediately I had any information and, of course, I apologised more times than could be considered good for my health. He became more and more agitated with each appearance as every sinew in me strained wanting to simply tell him to “Fuck Off” – I was prepared to help him pack his cases; drive him to another hotel and return every baht he had ever paid me – I was sick to death of him. Of course, I managed to control myself although it was undoubtedly clear from my tone and the curtness of my responses that I was tiring of his incessant intrusions.

 

Now the maintenance man was at work, there were tools all over the floor and the café was full. It was then I heard a customer saying “This is cold” in reference to a plate of Chilli and Rice he had just recently been presented with. My main cook was on a day off, legitimately this time, and her assistant was in charge of the cooking. Unfortunately heating up Chilli had so far not formed part of her basic training and straight out of the fridge onto a plate it went! More bloody apologies issued forth from my lips and, of course, the meal was provided free of charge. I did tell the cook the Chilli was not hot when returning it to the kitchen but she confused this with the relative spiciness and simply chopped up a few chillis and mixed them into the food on the plate! Exasperated I produced another bowl of chilli and duly heated it whilst hoping that she was quite clear of what action was required in the future. The now steaming Chilli plate was served to the customer with me again required to offer my humble apologies.

 

Having resolved the Chilli situation I returned to see how our maintenance man. As I approached he uttered what I presume the Thai for “oops” is and pointed towards the downstairs gentlemen’s toilet. “Oops” did not quite do justice to the scene as I opened the door to see water gushing up and over the top of the w.c. and shooting out of pipes as if there were no tomorrow – at this moment I was quite convinced there was actually not going to be a tomorrow and was rather happy with that thought!

 

Just as the bathroom Tsunami subsided and several staff members were paddling around with mops and buckets I was beckoned by one of my receptionists.

 

“Boss, man check out loom three zero one forget to give back key and new customer ready to check in”.

 

Great, absolutely bloody fantastic.

 

“Well just use the spare key for now” I suggested rather bemused at why the receptionist had not thought of this herself.

 

“Cannot”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Room Maid have spare key for loom”

 

“Well for goodness sake just get the room maid to bring the key down here now” my patience already long since departed I was now shouting. The ramifications of shouting at members of staff quickly came back to my mind. I backtracked. “Sorry, it has been a bad afternoon. Would you please ask one of the room maids to kindly return the spare key to reception?”

 

“Cannot”

 

“For pity’s sake why can’t you” I was now imploring, I actually wanted to Cave her head in with an iron bar but settled instead to implore.

 

“Room maid leave spare key in loom, lock the door”

 

Now it is the room maid’s head that is in grave danger of having another cranial cavity added to it and I am so rattled by the events of the last couple of hours that any clarity of thought is well beyond me. I know we have a third set of keys but where they are I know not. Mrs. Boss has been away from the hotel for the period of this series of minor disasters so I have to call her. My mood was not at all improved by her telling me the keys were in her office the key to which was in her bag and her bag was with her and she was in Rayong! Why she was in Rayong I had no idea, she told me she was going to see one her friends who, as far as I knew, still lived only a few hundred meters up the road. I was, however, not in the mood and did not have the time to discuss why she was fifty kilometers away from where I had imagined.

 

So now what are we going to do now? I for once do not have the faintest idea of how to remedy this situation. It is surely the time just to give up! However, before I drew what should have been my final breath I remembered that here is a locksmith’s stall just along the street. I sent one of the staff down there as quickly as possible to get him to come in and change the lock.

 

The locksmith did his job in no time at all and, in fact, finished approximately fifteen seconds before the room maid guilty of leaving the key in the room walks up to me smiling and tells me with pride “Boss I find key, I not leave in loom, was in my pocket”

 

I just stood and stared, I smiled back “Thank you” I said and as I took the key. I was a beaten man.

 

A couple of hours passed as the water supply was restored; the flooded bathroom was cleared up; nobody else had been served cold Chilli; Mrs. Boss was back from her trip to a temple in Rayong with her friend and the hotel had returned to relative normality. I decided I deserved a beer and took a Heineken and sat down outside to relax and simply undertake my favourite pastime of watching the world pass by. As I glanced around I saw a gentleman sitting at one of our other outside tables.

 

“Are you OK? Is there anything I can get for you?” I enquired

 

“Well yes actually I was just wondering if you knew when my room would be ready”

 

“I will check for you sir, what room would that be”

 

“401”

 

We had left the guy sitting around for over two hours after solving the key problem and nobody had thought to mention to him that he could go to his room!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED……

[chef]

Great new report Kevin. I really enjoy reading how pissed off you get with your staff. That really makes my day. I can refer some very incompetent Thais if it'll help you finish your book quicker. Keep the frustration coming please! ;)

[flymonkey4]

excellent report look forward to reading more good luck with the book

ian

[Sgtsten]

Bloody great report

Cant wait for the next issue

[Aussiechic]

Lets us know when its published as I will be getting a copy personally signed and I can say I knew him when.

[djcrazy]

Thank you for the insight running a hotel in Pattaya. Your diary brings back memories when I did my front desk tour with the Marriott in New York. I did front desk and had this insane repeated guest physically threatened my life because he did not get his welcome back fruit basket in his usual room. hotel and F&B, honest living, what can I say. Thank you again.

[glynbuk]

thanks for that report of life in the hotel trade, sounds fun

[Mightyollie]

Great report! Keep em coming and good luck with the book.

[kevin meacher]

14th March, 2007

 

I have not had the chance to regale you with my tales of misfortune over the last month or so but there have been some very good reasons for this. The past month has been something of a ‘Curates Egg’ which I suppose rather typifies life here in what people refer to as LOS. I believe this should actually be LOSG – Land of Smoke and Glass. Nothing is ever as it seems here is it? If you holiday here then you never really understand what is going on below the surface and believe me, that is for the best. For those of us here permanently we see more than sometimes we wish but we are still very much in the dark about many of the machinations that are constantly underway.

 

From the business perspective life has been good, very good in fact. February was even busier than January with our occupancy at around 98%. March is even better if you can believe that? This past month we have had only one room vacant for one night and the next couple of weeks look likely to remain the same. Although our advance bookings for April are rather disappointing at the present time May, June and July are already booked to higher occupancy levels than we recorded for those months last year. I owe a thank you to the Pattaya forums for helping our business continue its successful path. I am now able to extract statistics on what brings our customers here and approximately 25% first learn about Jasmine Mansion from the forums. With around 75% of our bookings being from returning guests or recommendations from previous guests we are presently not reliant in any way upon walk-in business.

 

Our Café has really started to gain a good reputation and the number of customers is increasing regularly. Some mornings we actually have customers standing and waiting for a table to become available. This rather surprises me as I did not realise so many people got up before midday in Pattaya!

 

On the book front I have made some progress. The book itself was finished in late February since which time I have been undertaking the proof reading and editing. This is a slow and arduous task and one that requires a level of concentration I find hard to muster. I knew that this would not be an easy job, however, it is proving to be significantly more difficult than I had ever imagined. As you may recall from previous reports I had planned a visit to Nong Khai to undertake the proof reading. This has unfortunately had to be put on hold as my mother-in-law has been taken ill requiring Mrs. Boss to go up to Udonthani for an indefinite period. I am therefore plodding, rather than ploughing, ahead!!

 

I have always maintained that the fun of life is the never knowing what is round the next corner. You can simply round the bend and find yourself standing there holding a winning lottery ticket. Alternatively you can traverse a corner only to find yourself unable to get out of the path of a speeding ten ton truck that is destined to splatter you all over the sidewalk. My recent corner turning, suffice to say, did not see me holding the winning lottery ticket!

 

There are a lot of things here that you have to accept regardless of how much they may irk you. This is Thailand and there are different rules to life here and, well, one either ‘puts up and shuts up’ or one gets on a plane and goes home. Despite knowing this there are the occasional incidents which serve to drive you mad with rage and frustration and such was the incident that occurred at the hotel last week.

 

During the day two Thai gentlemen came into the hotel to use our internet facilities. Although I thought this a little strange, as Thai people tend to use the many cheaper establishments around, I paid little attention. Mrs. Boss and I were just about to go out to visit our lawyers regarding a property transaction we are presently involved with so other things were on our minds. We carried out our business with the lawyer and then went on a provision buying trip for the hotel which lasted several hours. Everything takes that much longer to do at the moment as we have the boys in tow. It is the school holidays so they are around all day every day for the next two months. I love my children with all my heart but trying to run a business, write a book and amuse them at the same time is rather stressful!

 

After our shopping trip Mrs. Boss took us home and I was left to look after the boys whilst she returned to the hotel. Minutes before her arrival the hotel was full of plain clothed and uniformed police officers. They were shouting at everyone to stand still whilst they removed one of our computers and its accessories. They claimed we had been downloading illegal music and arrested our receptionist whom they forcefully bundled into a car. The appeared not at all concerned there were several farang witnesses to their excessive use of force.

 

Upon learning what had transpired Mrs. Boss immediately returned to her car to drive to the police station. However, before she reached her intended destination, she was involved in an accident being hit by a car exiting a side road without looking to see if there was any oncoming traffic! Mrs. Boss had to wait around for over an hour whilst the traffic police and insurance representatives visited the scene and made reports before she could continue on to the police station. When she arrived she was immediately arrested and our receptionist was released. After refusing to pay the fifty thousand baht claimed Mrs. Boss was promptly thrown into a cell. I understand from a neighbour, who had been arrested for the same alleged crime, that Mrs. Boss did not go quietly and stood firm footed in the centre of the police station pointing at the assembled officers and telling them “You are all filthy animals. You are the scum of Thailand. Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future”. I doubt those police officers involved took the threat as seriously as they should. It is likely they do not know that this is the woman who predicted the Tsunami destroying Phuket twelve months to the day before it struck!

 

Mrs. Boss spent the night in the cells and was none too happy! She did manage to negotiate a reduction in the fine to fifteen thousand baht before eventually securing her release. When she returned to the hotel we replayed our lobby area CCTV coverage and clearly saw the gentlemen who visited us the previous afternoon inserting a disc into one of our computers. The same two gentlemen were also seen on the CCTV footage that recorded the evening raid on our premises. It became clear to us that they had loaded whatever it was they claimed to be illegal themselves, hence they knew exactly which computer to take away with them that evening. Mrs. Boss now headed back to the police station and demanded the return of our computer. It will probably not surprise any of you to learn that not only was there no computer but there was also no record of any incident involving our hotel or her arrest!

 

It is the frustration that accompanies this incident that has affected me more than anything. Of course I do not want to give away fifteen thousand baht plus a computer but losing these is not the end of the world. The real problem is simply not being able to do anything about it. I have just got to accept this as part of life in Thailand where those whose duty it is to serve and protect are only here to serve and protect their own interests.

 

Earlier today I was sent an article by a friend, who was a guest here at the time of this incident, from ‘Pattaya People’ which reported a similar incident at a South Pattaya phone shop the day following our experience. The article had several photographs accompanying it that the brave shop owner took, clearly visible in these pictures are all of those involved in our incident. If I were that shop owner I would be inclined to leave town rather quickly and assume a new identity! The article did bring a smile to my face when it informed that an anonymous source had identified the men in the pictures as genuine police officers and that the matter was being investigated by the local police. The fact is that these guys are police officers from Bangkok and the local police collude with them, and share the spoils. Any investigation is going to be nothing more than them all sitting around a table, drinking beer, counting their cash and laughing their heads off.

 

Through this incident we lost a good receptionist. The lady arrested was traumatised by her experience and has decided to leave Pattaya. I cannot say I blame her and will confess to having had the same thought myself over the last week. I will, however, simply content myself with my belief in fate and knowledge that very often ‘what goes around comes around’ or, as Mrs. Boss would put it, ‘Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future.’ Actually we also have a few irons in the fire that are slightly more proactive than waiting for fate to lend a hand but it is better for all of us if I keep these to myself.

 

So, as you can now see for yourselves, a ‘Curates Egg’ of a month. However, despite recent events I remain positive and fully expect to meet myself around the next corner clutching the winning lottery ticket. No doubt though, in the excitement, I will lose concentration and get hit by yet another ten ton truck!

 

Finally, I ask for your patience as I try to undertake the many tasks that are on my presently rather full plate. I intend to keep writing the diary articles despite the book having been completed. These tales were originally only ever intended for the forums and the book has just been a spin off from them. Alas, you cannot get rid of me so easily.

 

TO BE CONTINUED………….

[seanie]

Another great post Kevin

Looking forward to meeting you in May.

[alex]

Oh my god...and I thought life in Northern Ireland was unpredictable and a bit scary at times.

 

Yet again a great read.

 

You can't leave Pattaya until after 31st July 2007. I have a small gift which will make the wait worthwhile (I hope).

 

Less than 4 months now :Banana_Beard:

 

Regards

 

Alex

[Braveheart]

It's taken me awhile to catch up on reading this thread as I wanted to be sure I had enough time to properly enjoy it and I'm glad I did.

 

I'll add my congratulations to the list Kevin and please put my name down for a copy of the book, I'm certain you will do well with it.

 

I should also add that it was a pleasure to meet you last month and I enjoyed our conversation very much. Thank you for taking the time from your schedule to speak with me.

 

The locksmith did his job in no time at all and, in fact, finished approximately fifteen seconds before the room maid guilty of leaving the key in the room walks up to me smiling and tells me with pride “Boss I find key, I not leave in loom, was in my pocket”

 

I just stood and stared, I smiled back “Thank you” I said and as I took the key. I was a beaten man.

 

As I glanced around I saw a gentleman sitting at one of our other outside tables.

 

“Are you OK? Is there anything I can get for you?” I enquired

 

“Well yes actually I was just wondering if you knew when my room would be ready”

 

“I will check for you sir, what room would that be”

 

“401”

These 2 incidents had me laughing so hard I was literally crying. It is just so typically Thai and I admire your restraint and ability to look back and see the comedy in the situation, even though at the time it is anything but funny to you. Thanks for sharing your trials with us.

 

I owe a thank you to the Pattaya forums for helping our business continue its successful path. I am now able to extract statistics on what brings our customers here and approximately 25% first learn about Jasmine Mansion from the forums. With around 75% of our bookings being from returning guests or recommendations from previous guests we are presently not reliant in any way upon walk-in business.

I think good news travels fast Kevin and other than the one complaint you mentioned previously I cannot recall anyone else saying a bad word about your hotel. A good reputation such as you have will go very far towards ensuring that you have a minimal vacancy rate even during the slow times in Pattaya.

[kevin meacher]

19th March, 2007

 

If ever there was a place to push you to the limits, a place that could snap you like a twig, then that place is surely Pattaya. There are times when I wonder why I put myself through this and whether the certain heart attack is really worth having. This is one such time and the last week or two have been like living in hell on earth. This analogy is further enhanced by virtue of the fact that that hell is probably one or two degrees cooler than Pattaya at the present time.

 

Why is it that the Thai people cannot simply tell the truth? I am aware that to some level they say things they think you want to hear rather than what may be more unpalatable facts. However, this cannot be the only explanation and sometimes it appears as though they feel they have a divine right to lie. Recent examples of this truth avoidance are now provided for your delectation as follows:

 

A few weeks ago one room maid requested a day off. We had to decline as we already had staff away, we explained this to her. As usual her request for a day off was made thirty seconds before she headed home for the night. This is despite us regularly telling every member of staff to give us much notice as possible in order to avoid such a situation, of course, they do not listen. The following morning she did not show up for work, which was much as I had expected. Later in the day she telephoned a colleague to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident.

 

Two days after this a receptionist failed to arrive for work and again a colleague received a telephone call to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident. The exact same story was then put forward by another member of staff shortly after that and by yet another the day after that. I received the fifth “I cannot come to work as I have to go and see my sister who has been involved in a motorcycle accident” excuse yesterday. I suppose I am angrier at the complete lack of any ingenuity rather than these pathetic lies themselves plus the fact they must think Mrs. Boss and I are soft in the head.

 

In future when interviewing prospective employees my first question will be “Do you have a sister”. If I should receive an affirmative response I will ask “Can you please tell me the future dates she is going to be involved in a motorcycle accident in order that I can factor them into the staff roster!!”

 

Example number two comes from our taxi company, who to be fair are normally very reliable. Today they let us down having got the days of a mini-bus collection to take six guests back to the airport mixed up. After calling them they advised the mini-bus would be with us in fifteen minutes. After twenty minutes they told us the driver was in Soi Baukaow and was therefore only a minute or two away. A further five minutes later they said he was still in Soi Baukaow but stuck in traffic. I ventured outside and the limited traffic on the soi was flowing freely, this was not a market day. Now, thirty minutes after the appointed time, I called again and was told he was outside the hotel. “I am outside the fucking hotel and unless I have some form of mini-bus blindness he is not here” I responded. Another fifteen minutes passed and still no mini-bus and still they were adamant he was here. I enquired as to whether perhaps the driver had been involved in an accident with a group of female motorcyclists all of whom had relatives working at Jasmine Mansion. My cynical remark, of course, meant nothing to the taxi company.

 

A further five minutes went by and although my guests were relaxed, having given themselves more than ample time to make their flight, I was like a coiled spring and a bloody hot one at that. “Will somebody, just one person out of the sixty million or so inhabitants of this bloody country, just tell the fucking truth for once, please? Now where is the fucking mini-bus?’ I barked at the owner of the taxi company. “He coming, he coming” was the reply. Another ten minutes passed before the mini-bus arrived, a full one hour late. I was so close to taking a baseball bat to the driver’s head when he got out of the mini-bus wearing one of those typical big stupid grins across his face!

 

The third and final example really tops everything. We were busy early Sunday morning for breakfast with our hotel guests and non-residents who had come in to watch the Australian Grand Prix. In the middle of this the cook advised me that we had run out of gas for the stove and that she had also forgotten to order a spare. Actually what she said was “I asked Mrs. Boss to order gas yesterday but she must have forgotten’. This was another ridiculous lie as three days earlier Mrs. Boss had gone to Udonthani and therefore could not have been asked to get gas, or anything else for that matter. We telephoned the gas suppliers, also usually reliable, but received no answer. I asked the reception staff and cook to keep trying continuously until the received an answer. After an hour or so the gas company answered the phone and took our order. They advised that they would be able to deliver some gas in about six hour’s time, compared to the usual five minutes it takes, and that we were very lucky. Now why do you think it is that we have to consider ourselves fortunate? Well this is the actual reason given:

 

“On the third week of every month all gas suppliers in Thailand are closed”

 

You really do not need me to tell you what I said to that as I am sure you can all too easily guess?

 

My present joyous mood was further enhanced last night. I went to bed at around midnight. I am presently staying at the hotel whilst Mrs. Boss is away. I managed to fall asleep just after one in the morning. An hour later I was awoken by our night receptionist to advise he could not find the keys to one of the guest rooms. I asked if he had looked everywhere and he assured me a thorough search had been conducted but to no avail. I dressed and went downstairs. I sat at the reception counter and started checking the key boxes to make sure this key had not been placed in the wrong holder. I then asked the night receptionist if he had checked the spare key box used by the room maids. He was adamant he had checked this along with everywhere else. I picked up the spare key box and there, right on top, were the ‘missing’ keys. I went back to bed. I ignored his “Sorry boss”. I managed to get back to sleep at five in the morning. Two hours and thirty minutes later my alarm clock woke me. Oh what a joyous place this is to work!!

 

I imagine many of you think that I either make these stories up or considerably exaggerate the truth. If you do than let me tell you nothing is further from the truth. I have two friends who have both recently taken over businesses here. One friend has been running his business for a month and employs one Thai person. The other has been running his cafe since the beginning of the year and he has two Thai staff. Both of these friends have been in to see me in the last twenty four hours on the verge of quitting. They have both told me that I am guilty of considerably understating the problems faced running a business here and in dealing with Thai employees. I know I should feel sorry for them but, in truth, all I can think is how good it is to know this shit is not just happening top me!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED…………..

[George66]

Wow it must suck to be you! LOL! Kevin I enjoy your posts so much so thank you for that. Please feel free to get aggravated and post more often for the gentlemen here.

 

I don't know why some Thais lie so much. Here the employee is trying to sell me a bike that he claims is as good as new. Couldn't he have just told the truth?!

 

Edited March 19, 2007 by George66

[alex]

Oh Dear,

 

Another amazing post. I hate to say it but your life and current problems have had me laughing out loud. Now before you reach for the boxing gloves you do of course understand that I mean your writing style and perception of things. A lesser man would have, by now, run out of towels to throw in and if I wore a hat I would take it off to you

 

Keep er Lit!

[nicb]

another cracking installment. will be staying with you in may so at least then i can put a face to the name. keep all the good reports coming.

cheers!

[togaduke]

great read wish I was there