Visit Her Village Or Not?

[Terence Returns]

Many readers will already know that an invitation to visit a sweetheart's village is a mixed blessing, a double-edged sword and a Pandora's Box all rolled into one.

 

Yes, an invite is invariably a privilege. It means she does care about you and offers you an insight into the intimate details of Thai life in the countryside. Oh, yes, it can be a little uncomfortable if you don't like cold water bucket showers but, hey, it is still better than Iraq or somewhere with people shooting at you.

 

So I think generally that many PAs would fancy a chance to go home with the girl. But here is the question: when is it fair to accept the invite???

 

Some girls - many all of them - assume that your visit with them means you want to marry them and look after every need of their extensive family forever. Oh, yes, they do. They may not say as much. You know how "shy" they are!!! But they can quickly assume the whole shebang, looking out for rings, necklaces, bracelets and presents for grandma, all capped off by an engagement ceremony hosted by you for the village.

 

Or actually, here is the question: Even if you are willing to accept this risk, is it fair to the girl??? Just how much face do they lose if the pair of you return to Pattaya and part company? Is she forever damned because she took at farang to meet her parents? Certainly the excellent book Thai Fever paints that very sober and sombre picture.

 

I ask the question as one who has made the journey and now, having parted from my little darling, although we are still friends, I am feeling badly to hear that her dying grandma is weeping because her farang is not going to be stumping up the 50000 needed to fix up the house. Sigh.

 

TR/

[Mike Asia]

i don't think it is a big deal and you are thinking about it too much dude.

[ozzieal]

Suggest you read a book called Thai Fever before you visit any girls village and then form your own opinion. Visiting the village generally means you are the 'chosen one' and marriage will be on the cards

 

I have been a couple of times and it is a great experience

 

Al

[hazze]

Interesting thoughts and well written mate.

 

In my opinion she's going out on limb a bit by inviting you to her village.

The whole family, friends, village will know your her choosen boyfriend.

The world doesn't end when you ditch her, but her parents will be asking her about you for months afterwards and the whole village will know she had a boyfriend who didn't want her.

 

Theres a lot of face invovled in going back. She's got to be smiling at everyone and shitting cash. If she cares about you its important for her that the whole village thinks you are a good man, so she'll want you to appear generous.

I've only done it once, but the girl was handing out her own money and claiming it was from me to make her man look good.

Thats just one expereince, it may not be all like that.

But by going back to the village she's showing you of to a lot of people, so it at least means she wants to be seen with you.

[Muadib]

Perhaps a bit more shallow response, but since I consider staying at a hotel that doesn't have room service to be 'camping', I seriously doubt you'll ever find me in a village... Nope, not going to happen... Not even for Tata Young...

[tisler]

I would just go!

 

Being able to see the intimacies of another country is very exciting and beautiful! I was lucky enough to experience this in Japan.. it was like I lived there and walked out and to the trains to go to work in the morning (from the countryside)

 

It was so beautiful and everyone knew everyone. I never experienced this before.

 

If she thinks you're just about marriage, then it's not fair to YOU either right? So you shouldn't feel obligated. I would just feign clueless foreigner if that was the case.

 

I really hope you take her on her offer. It should be quite a blast.. AND TAKE PICTURES! : )

[BangkapiBoy]

If you aren't serious about the girl, then I generally think going to her village is a bad idea. You are setting yourself up. Sure, it may be interesting for you, but think about the consequences.

 

It would probably be better to tag along with your buddy, who is going to the village with his girl! This way you can experience the village, but without any commitments, and all through the days you will get girls eyeing you and picking up on you.

[QuotaMan]

Many readers will already know that an invitation to visit a sweetheart's village is a mixed blessing, a double-edged sword and a Pandora's Box all rolled into one.

 

Yes, an invite is invariably a privilege. It means she does care about you and offers you an insight into the intimate details of Thai life in the countryside. Oh, yes, it can be a little uncomfortable if you don't like cold water bucket showers but, hey, it is still better than Iraq or somewhere with people shooting at you.

 

So I think generally that many PAs would fancy a chance to go home with the girl. But here is the question: when is it fair to accept the invite???

 

Some girls - many all of them - assume that your visit with them means you want to marry them and look after every need of their extensive family forever. Oh, yes, they do. They may not say as much. You know how "shy" they are!!! But they can quickly assume the whole shebang, looking out for rings, necklaces, bracelets and presents for grandma, all capped off by an engagement ceremony hosted by you for the village.

 

Or actually, here is the question: Even if you are willing to accept this risk, is it fair to the girl??? Just how much face do they lose if the pair of you return to Pattaya and part company? Is she forever damned because she took at farang to meet her parents? Certainly the excellent book Thai Fever paints that very sober and sombre picture.

 

I ask the question as one who has made the journey and now, having parted from my little darling, although we are still friends, I am feeling badly to hear that her dying grandma is weeping because her farang is not going to be stumping up the 50000 needed to fix up the house. Sigh.

 

TR/

 

I'm on the same boat, I went to her village but in the end it didn't work out. I really liked her family a lot, very gracious and generous. But our relationship didn't pan out.

 

I had every intention of being serious with her and marrying her. Even in the future, I would not go to the village if I wasn't serious about the relationship.

[Terence Returns]

Thanks for all the thoughtful thoughts. Taken together they show that I am definitely not the only one slightly confused.

 

To be more specific, I went the first time - to Sakon Nakon (without having any idea where it was!!!) - with a girl I had met only 48 hours before. She wanted to see her kids and I had said, Okay, maybe when I come back in a month or two. But one or two Tigers later, it was clear that she wanted to see the babies sooner rather than later and I didn't have any plans for the weekend, so I said, Oh, what the hell. And next day I was on the bus, with talk of marriage quickly coming on (seems Thais maybe don't even have a word for "engagement", it is just marriage.). It was an interesting time and I did escape without signing any legal papers but obviously everyone knew we were hitched in theory.

 

Well she is a lovely girl and I still hope to help her but fact is that I was not the best man for her and subsequently I have had to move on. Not least of all before I have found someone who is better suited to me as I am to her. Hence the question of whether to visit another village. I am certainly reluctant to get into any more ring buying right now but I also need to see this girl and at the moment she is not fre to travel due to work and family.

 

So I take on board the advice not to go, for fear of over committing and misleading someone. Also to the advice, just to go. Hmmm. Seems I am still where I started!!! Isn't Thailand great!!!

 

TR/

[samuijim]

Many readers will already know that an invitation to visit a sweetheart's village is a mixed blessing, a double-edged sword and a Pandora's Box all rolled into one.

 

Yes, an invite is invariably a privilege. It means she does care about you and offers you an insight into the intimate details of Thai life in the countryside. Oh, yes, it can be a little uncomfortable if you don't like cold water bucket showers but, hey, it is still better than Iraq or somewhere with people shooting at you.

 

So I think generally that many PAs would fancy a chance to go home with the girl. But here is the question: when is it fair to accept the invite???

 

Some girls - many all of them - assume that your visit with them means you want to marry them and look after every need of their extensive family forever. Oh, yes, they do. They may not say as much. You know how "shy" they are!!! But they can quickly assume the whole shebang, looking out for rings, necklaces, bracelets and presents for grandma, all capped off by an engagement ceremony hosted by you for the village.

 

Or actually, here is the question: Even if you are willing to accept this risk, is it fair to the girl??? Just how much face do they lose if the pair of you return to Pattaya and part company? Is she forever damned because she took at farang to meet her parents? Certainly the excellent book Thai Fever paints that very sober and sombre picture.

 

I ask the question as one who has made the journey and now, having parted from my little darling, although we are still friends, I am feeling badly to hear that her dying grandma is weeping because her farang is not going to be stumping up the 50000 needed to fix up the house. Sigh.

 

TR/

Hello all. I have been asked and gone to at least 10 or so villages over the years. I have only been a good friend with the girls who asked me to go, never really anything more than that. It was never a problem for me in all the villages, people always really nice.. I also have never had a problem with the mom and pop or been asked for money or anything else by anybody in the village except for several times when the local drunk teenage boys at night will ask me to join the beer drinking party and when I did join they expected the farang to buy some more beer for the party (which I always did). For some reason all the villages I went to happened to be in the Korat area...not sure why. If you get the invite and think you can handle it...do it. Its something you will ALWAYS remember. samuijim

[bolly]

Perhaps a bit more shallow response, but since I consider staying at a hotel that doesn't have room service to be 'camping', I seriously doubt you'll ever find me in a village... Nope, not going to happen... Not even for Tata Young...

 

 

5555555-----You and me both! I grew up in the sticks--lived next to rice fields and Jungle flora/fauna----done my time. Give me the big city any day.

[prak]

IMHO, any girl who asks you to come visit the family back home is either looking for a serious relationship, or looking to fleece another falang. I am somewhat experienced here, but not heavily, this is just my opinion.

 

If you've got a "good (cough, cough) girl", who hasn't ever taken someone back home, then I think you should probably pass on it unless you are at least considering getting serious with the girl. This is the girl who probably has expectations of a future relationship and will quite likely lose a lot of face with her family and in her village.

 

You go there, meet everyone in her family, everyone around the village meets you and knows who you are, and then you go back and are never heard from again - bad for the girl. Whenever she's back home, she will be asked about you - when are you coming back, why aren't you married yet, why don't you have kids, why doesn't he buy you a house/motorbike/car/gold/buffalo/etc? She will constantly have to address these questions, and endure the inevitable gossip about the "real" reasons you are not with her anymore. One of the assumptions will be that she was not good enough to keep you, or that she was arrogant for thinking she could bag herself a rich falang (why isn't she as good as so-and-so who has a rich falang husband, a car, and a big house). People will look down on this more than just "going to work hotel in Pattaya (wink, wink)" and sending money home. Better just to keep the relationship casual.

 

On the other hand, if your girl has a bit of experience (maybe she's taken some other falangs home before), then she probably doesn't care much for the village gossip, and she won't have much face to lose in that area, because everybody already knows what she's up to anyway (meaning it is public knowledge and not an assumption). In this case, go ahead and go. Set monetary expectations before you go, and have a good trip. Your girl will still probably be looking for a long term sponsor or maybe a husband, so beware. But at least nobody is the worse for wear in terms of face in the village.

[pattaya paul]

I've just come back from latest trip to Thailand and went to the village. Loved it.

Met mum & dad, brothers cousins etc etc. Party every night. Only white man in the area and in most cases the only English speaking person, other than girlfriend. The older males took great delight in helping with my Thai language. They also started teaching me the Isaan language which not too many of the girls liked because "farang know too much"

I would recommend it to anyone that is serious about the girl.

Pitfalls -

1) You're expected to be generous and pay for everything. Which i was happy with. The small thing I was pissed of with was, "tirak, I need money for food for tonight", okay here's some money. That's okay, but the parents quickly learnt to take advantage of that. Ask him for 2000 baht for tommorrow night, then tommorrow comes and still more money needed.

2) The parents, not siblings and cousins, it seems just about money. There would be subtle requests to ask for money all the time. Even the girlfriend was pissed off, but she still has an obligation to the parents.

3) We were asked to stay one extra night because they liked me so much. Cool. Next thing I know, i think?, i'm at my engagement party? 40-50 people come for dinner, blessings everywhere tying white strings around our wrists and pledging support to us as a couple.

 

This may seem dramatic, but i am serious about this girl and even though the "engagement" was not discussed prior, i am comfortable with it.

 

I would recommend the village to anyone who is serious about the girl. Just be honest up front, (one person in the relationship has to be, haha).

[ausielad]

i would thoroughly recomend going to the village,as one old timer told me go out and see the real thailand,

i think there are two ways or probably more but iff your going there with say a bar girl from pattaya

i would say there has been a few before you so you will have a good time and they know what to expect ie your wallet.

which is still cheep

the next would be a non working girl and they take a risk in taking you home to the village,beacause they have the whole village

scrutinizing her and iff you dont come back they look bad too the rest.

you will get the string tieing cerimoniers with all the relatives but i was told it was for good luck while you travel,who knows?

but its always when you go and iff you are lucky they will kill a chicken for you to have at temple.

all in all just use your instincts and take care of the girl your with.

[Big Casino]

If you are serious about the girl then go to the village as the girl is very serious about you other wise she would not invite you to meet her parents. There is always the few exception of girls who will take you to fleece you but for the majority it is a big deal to take you and they are showing a lot of commitment to you by introducing you to the family.

Of course they will expect you to treat them to food or drink as they think all farangs/westerners are loaded whereas they are poor. However talk to your girl before you go to see what is expected of you. In my experience my girl said that when we arrive she would like all her close family to meet me and would like everyone to have a big meal together. We wired 4000 baht to her sister to buy meat, prawns, fruit and beer and they proceeded to cook all food in preperation for our arrival. She showed me how she came to this figure of 4000 with her shopping list of what was required as if to prove the cost (I did not question the cost but she seemed intent on proving the cost to me ). She then asked if I would buy her mum and dad a small present each (watch for the old boy and a small gold cross for the mum as she is christian). Again just a cross as she told me her mum allready had a gold chain.

As it was we were touring the country with friends so we turned up a six ball and spent the next six hours having a fantastic feast with plenty of hot food and cold beers in the fridge. Everyone was friendly and made me feel very welcome. As everyone was leaving my girl went to pay the three young girls 100 baht each for their hard work so of course I stepped in and paid.

So to summarise six people attended barbecue ate and drank all day, met the family who also ate and drunk all day with no hassle all for 4300 baht and a couple of pressies.

My girl was over the moon I met her family, the family seemed happy she was with farang so happy days.

So back to opening statement if your serious about the girl then do the trip as it is a fantastic experience.

Edited August 4, 2009 by KJH

[septic]

I went to the village in Isaan a couple of weeks ago with my GF, and within an hour the father took me to a spot on their land and said he needed 100,000 bhat to build a new house (the house they now live in basically crumbling bricks and shanty-like steel walls. The mom and dad are taking care of her 3 kids, who were also there, and I stood there with her father and listened to him explain how he really needs a proper house. I speak Thai, and so we were able to have a conversation about the house, but I didn't commit to anything. Even though I'm a regular in Thailand, this was my first village experience with a TG. I told my GF that I could help out a little, with 30,000 bhat, but I'm now realizing that this was a mistake. The family will never stop asking for money, and so I'm going to say that this 30,000 is a gift, and that there is nothing more coming after that. Period. I have taken the good advice from a number of posts in this forum, and am grateful. Thanks.

[bigzed]

if u like time to your self to clear the head and you care really care. then why not go it diffrent it get u out of pataya. give u a chance to see a bit of thailand. rather just bars and gogos of pattaya.

[Dr.Winston]

Yes, If you fancy it then do it. I've been to so many BG's villages over the past 20+ years. Usually it's a great experience and it will set you apart from most the others in her mind. She won't forget the guy who visited her home!

 

Although visiting her home could be seen as expressing an interest in her long term she wouldn't have invited you if she thought they were going to be too judgemental in the village, either towards you or herself.

 

Just be upfront before you commit to making the trip. You can disguise it as a half joke, something like "are you sure they won't think that we plan to get married?" said with a grin on your face. I'll then say something about not wanting to be confronted with any embarrasing questions when I get there. I've found they're really good at getting things smoothed ourt before you go. Just be straight and tell her your fears.

 

Another good tip is to check into a hotel in the nearest town before you turn up at her house. They will usually invite you to stay the night at the house and if you don't fancy it for any reason you already have the excuse that you've checked in to the hotel. If you like the idea you can stay there on another night.

 

Taking a friend with his TG can be good. You'll both have other companions for the possibly long journey and it will reduce the feeling of isolation you can get in some of the remote villages.

 

Don't worry too much about local traditions, you're a farang and they expect you to be a bit strange they'd rather have you a bit strange and fun than correct and dull.

[barney]

<br />Perhaps a bit more shallow response, but since I consider staying at a hotel that doesn't have room service to be 'camping', I seriously doubt you'll ever find me in a village... Nope, not going to happen... Not even for Tata Young...<br />

<br /><br /><br />

I really think that you're missing out on some of the best things about being in Thailand then. Hey, each to his own though.

[td5855]

Still with the same girl who took me to her village of 8 houses. We live together in Pattaya, with me working offshore we both go up the village for a week, during my 4 weeks leave.

 

Love it, have wired and plumbed the house. Built a verandha with outside lighting.

Read loads of books, go fishing on the lake, drink beer, yet go to bed 2 hours after dark.

 

Cold water, washing with a bowl, squat toilet, no A/C except for a fan under the mosquito net can be enjoyable if you are made welcome and most importantly in a good relationship.

 

Cost is about 200baht a day for food, that feeds 6 of us.

 

Have never been hit for money. Have seen papa go and buy a chicken, slaughter it, cook it and serve up to me. If you know about Thai pecking order, he were giving me a lot of face.

 

Planning to have a house built for us both in the village.

 

It's not for everyone, but if you love the girl, see the conditions they have but still look stunning? Then you can adapt easily, relax and enjoy it.

 

It is a big thing being taken to see mama and papa up the village, so respect that.

[Bazle]

It is a big thing being taken to see mama and papa up the village, so respect that.

I have no expertise except common sense and a slight inkling into the Thai way of thinking.

 

I'm sure those last words of yours must be some of the most sensible written in this very interesting thread. To give the "respect" to which you refer might involve getting on the wrong side of your g/f by refusing to accept her invite if you have no serious long term intentions towards her.