My TGF Mother Died, How do I pay respect from afar?

[King Cobra]

Gents, Just recently Jun08, my TGF's Mother died. Long bout with Diabetes and kidney failure. I got a phone call while working that her mother died. Problem is, I am a contractor working in the Middle East and I had just returned from Udan Thani visiting with her and her entire family including the Mother who was in the Hospital at the time.

 

I am currently in Afghanistan and have daily contact with TGF. SHe has not asked for money or anything like that. She asks if I can come, which I cannot. What is a proper way for me to Pay respect to her Mother and family when nothing has been asked of me.

 

Do I get involved at all? Is it inappropriate for farang (non-Buddhist) to say anything to the family?

Please help. Thanks

[LaaMok]

Maybe offer to pay for the funeral?

[chuckrivera]

Maybe offer to pay for the funeral?

 

Sorry, but after seeing how much was spent on Brett's funeral, that wouldn't be my first choice. Maybe I'd offer to pay for PART of it.

[Posankka]

Gents, Just recently Jun08, my TGF's Mother died. Long bout with Diabetes and kidney failure. I got a phone call while working that her mother died. Problem is, I am a contractor working in the Middle East and I had just returned from Udan Thani visiting with her and her entire family including the Mother who was in the Hospital at the time.

 

I am currently in Afghanistan and have daily contact with TGF. SHe has not asked for money or anything like that. She asks if I can come, which I cannot. What is a proper way for me to Pay respect to her Mother and family when nothing has been asked of me.

 

Do I get involved at all? Is it inappropriate for farang (non-Buddhist) to say anything to the family?

Please help. Thanks

 

 

I'm not sure what to tell you here, but i see myself in the same situation. Tee rak's mom has lung cancer.

 

Ask TGF what you should do...realizing you can't come to Thailand for the funeral, do what it takes within reason to keep her happy. She'll tell you with some gentle coaxing.

[LaaMok]

Sorry, but after seeing how much was spent on Brett's funeral, that wouldn't be my first choice. Maybe I'd offer to pay for PART of it.

 

 

mmm I dont know much (ok... anything) about funerals in Thailand, but upcountry dont they just throw you in a box and burn it, then offer gifts to the monks and they do a chanting send off? Oh and the whole village gets pissed for free.

 

I would have thought about 40k max?

[chuckrivera]

40K wouldn't be too bad I think. I didn't mean any disrespect by the way, and I don't know how they do it upcountry either. That was my first Thai funeral and it's similar to a traditional Chinese funeral with a lot of money is spent to "show face." From what I was told, Brett's was quite a bit more.

[whitespider - RIP]

Guys

 

I don't want to sound cynical here but you say GFs not wives. There is no further obligation on you than you would have in your home country.

 

Flowers and a small contribution (say 2000-10,000) to the Wat where they have the cremation would be fine!

 

I know this sounds awful, and I don't mean to be, but if you start offering money like 40k they will just think "wow" and take it. No doubt 35k of it will get the boys very drunk.

 

The Q you ask is about "RESPECT" and as I say flowers and a small girt to the Wat would be more than adequate to do that.

[LaaMok]

I guess quite often fake costs come into play. I know the monks in england travel all over for free but they get a donation.

[King Cobra]

My TGF and family are from Loei province. Not sure how they do it there. She has been my TGF for around 2 yrs now. There are definate plans for us together in the future. Me being away and working in Afghanistan is difficult for her at this time. My company will not let me leave because we arent married yet. If we were married it would be a different story. I've considered hitting the Western Union and sending some money but 1. she has not asked for any (family is not rich but not hurting either). 2. How much do funerals cost?

 

Her family already considers me part of the family although she and I arent married yet.

Thanks for the replies. Keep them coming. I need to educate as much as possible before moving there.

[King Cobra]

BTW, Who is Brett???

[Chasboyuk]

Well when my wifes father died 2 years ago total bill over the 5days was about 30K that included a shit load of booze! I am not suggesting you send 30K but may 10K would go along way especially up North & organise some flowers not only for her departed mother, but also your good lady to let her know you are for her there also in spirit.

 

Regards

Edited June 21, 2008 by Chasboyuk

[buriramboy]

Funerals up in the village cost f-all, when my father in law died all i paid was about 3,000 baht which was to buy a load of chairs for the temple at the mother in laws request, no problem, then everyone just gets pissed for 2 or 3 days afterwards, so i probably contributed another few thousand baht here and there towards the alcohol and food while i was up there, nothing significant anyway.

[culvers]

how would you pay respects to any other human being? I dont think you should have to splash the cash... What makes thailand so different to any other country in the world? Would you pay $$$ if you farang gf's mother died?

[Naja Tom]

When my fiancee's aunt died earlier this year she told me that everyone that goes to the temple over the 5 days before they cremate them puts money in an envelope to help cover the costs. The family and friends provide food, casket, etc. She put in 1500 for us and said that was good. But they go to the temple over 5 days while the casket is sitting there with pics of the person and sit around and eat and talk. Some donation would be in order but I would not go overboard as you never know what will happen with you and her in the future for sure. She is not asking but the family will know you did good.

[whitespider - RIP]

Funerals up in the village cost f-all, when my father in law died all i paid was about 3,000 baht which was to buy a load of chairs for the temple at the mother in laws request, no problem, then everyone just gets pissed for 2 or 3 days afterwards, so i probably contributed another few thousand baht here and there towards the alcohol and food while i was up there, nothing significant anyway.

 

Yes true, not even 3000 baht for the funeral I would say. If the cremation is at a Wat they don't even cremate the coffin, its just "borrowed".

 

I go back to the OP "original" question about how to show RESPECT as opposed to "how much should I send".

 

Clearly the best thing would be your attendance but as that is impossible I really would suggest some flowers with a small contribution to the WAT (not the family). As Buriramboy says any donations either monetary or as gifts shoukld go to the Wat direct - that's the ways it gets done.

 

IF you want to send cash then remember you are contributing to the piss up not the cremation costs. If you wish to do that remember a litre of Thai whiskey is as little as 70 baht so make your own choice.

 

OP - PLEASE don't think I am being flippant in a bad time but if you do get asked for money in excess of around 3000 you are being clipped and if you volunteer more they will think you are mad but will no doubt take it.

 

Just on a brighter note There was a recent news story about an old lady who died and the family donated her bed to the Wat as thanks. The monks found 6 million baht stuffed into the bed. Being good monks they contacted the family and gave it back

[King Cobra]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've sent some money and I know that it will be used appropriately.

 

A follow up question: When I am able to return to Thailand on Oct, would sending off some of those balloon lanterns with my TGF in honor of her mother be something appropriate? I hate to show up on Oct saying, "sorry your mom died and I was not there, can we screw now?" Basically, would after-death visits with my TGF to the Wat a good idea?

 

Thanks again guys.

[HaveSomeFun]

Hi,

 

Not long ago I attended a funeral close to Udon Thani.

 

The cousin of my GF commited suicide by drinking herbicide.

He was brought to a hospital in Nong Khai.

His parents were very poor, but wanted to visit them.

I offered to rent a van so we could visit him with about 10 people.

This was greatly appreciated.

It cost me about 5000 baht.

[rpbc]

Yes true, not even 3000 baht for the funeral I would say. If the cremation is at a Wat they don't even cremate the coffin, its just "borrowed".

 

I go back to the OP "original" question about how to show RESPECT as opposed to "how much should I send".

 

Clearly the best thing would be your attendance but as that is impossible I really would suggest some flowers with a small contribution to the WAT (not the family). As Buriramboy says any donations either monetary or as gifts shoukld go to the Wat direct - that's the ways it gets done.

 

IF you want to send cash then remember you are contributing to the piss up not the cremation costs. If you wish to do that remember a litre of Thai whiskey is as little as 70 baht so make your own choice.

 

OP - PLEASE don't think I am being flippant in a bad time but if you do get asked for money in excess of around 3000 you are being clipped and if you volunteer more they will think you are mad but will no doubt take it.

 

Just on a brighter note There was a recent news story about an old lady who died and the family donated her bed to the Wat as thanks. The monks found 6 million baht stuffed into the bed. Being good monks they contacted the family and gave it back

6,000,000 baht??? Damn!!! She must have been a real looker back in her BF days.

[hudsonhicks]

6,000,000 baht??? Damn!!! She must have been a real looker back in her BF days.

 

She must have been lucky in the baby stakes and had 10 daughters all "taking care"

[thinkingallowed]

Little girl that lives next door to me up in Issan is being cremated today and I'm a little upset that I can't be there. I sent flowers, 500 baht, a couple of thousand to put in an envelope and I've trailed my computer for photos of her and emailed them to the wife who is having them printed and put in an album to give to the parents.

 

The coffin the body is laid out in is refrigerated and so isn't burned. I've only been to one Thai funeral and was surprised that the actual burning of the body was done by the family. No curtain being discreetly drawn and strangers taking over like in the UK. I thought it was better to be honest. Most bodies are kept for at least three nights and the monks pop round twice a day to do a bit of chanting. Friends and relatives visit the house to pay their respects, have a few drinks and eat constantly and this us where the expense comes in for a village funeral. Strangers will call too and generally it us the gambling they are interested in, always a bit if gambling going on as apart from Songkran it is the only time the police will allow gambling to go on (without a back hander)

Edited July 2, 2012 by thinkingallowed

[Edge]

...................................... I've only been to one Thai funeral and was surprised that the actual burning of the body was done by the family. No curtain being discreetly drawn and strangers taking over like in the UK. I thought it was better to be honest. Most bodies are kept for at least three nights and the monks pop round twice a day to do a bit of chanting. Friends and relatives visit the house to pay their respects, have a few drinks and eat constantly and this us where the expense comes in for a village funeral. Strangers will call too and generally it us the gambling they are interested in, always a bit if gambling going on as apart from Songkran it is the only time the police will allow gambling to go on (without a back hander)

 

There is a full photographic account of one such funeral - link in my Signature.

 

- sorry but you'll have to wait until you're Advanced.

 

 

 

This is a very old thread someone revived.

.

[Hellbender]

Too many good advice here specially from Laamok, whitespider & Edge.

 

I would say, it's all depend on your relationship with TGF and if you can afford why not pay for the funeral? This will bring her more closer to you and she will start to respect you more.

 

If you are not considering to spend that much just send couple of hundred dollars as whitespider advised.

 

When you know the money won't go to sick buffalo fund so do what your heart says.

 

Good luck mate.

[Cerberus]

Post edited due to stupidity, which so far down the road may cause offense

Edited July 2, 2012 by Cerberus

[Edge]

...................................

Mourning is some what different here in Asia than in western society, it is much shorter and they move on with life far quicker, I suspect it will be more/almost one hundred days before you get to return and that she will probably have moved on from mourning by then.

..................

..............Trust me she will take care of your other concerns ;-)

 

Am I cracking up or was this not 4 years ago?

 

If so, I agree that they'll have moved on, but if his "other concerns" haven't been dealt with in 4 years then things could get a bit urgent.

 

Maybe I'm just not catching the aroma?

[Cerberus]

So am I now teach me to only read the last few posts. As for aroma fear not, I am more than aware of your sense of smell