British tabloids complain about lack of old, fat bastards in Pattaya

January 24, 2012

Photographers who supply pictures to a variety of British tabloid newspapers are complaining the changes seen in the tourist demographic in recent years in Pattaya are making it tougher to earn a living.

Cyril Smallprick, who has been a specialist tabloid ‘snapper’ for more than 20 years, was quoted as saying, “I used to be able to get as full as a Jew’s wallet in any beer bar you could name in Pattaya, and then just point and shoot anywhere I liked and I’d be guaranteed to get a great shot.”

"It's lucky the younger blokes are prepared to dress like dickheads on a stag night otherwise we snappers would be stuffed"

“Sure, I could finish up with a few blurry images,” he added. “But, I’d definitely get some old, fat, ugly bastard pawing some little Thai bird’s tits, or her arse, or slobbering like a love-struck teenager.”

Mr Smallprick continued, “Nowadays, I just can’t do that because there are so many young, fit and, dare I say it, handsome blokes trawling through the bars.”

As an example he said, “There I was the other night with my camera, sitting in the Penis Enlargement Bar on Soi Buakhow and I spotted a couple of the old, fat, ugly buggers and was just waiting for a couple of the decent looking Thai totty to sidle up to them. But what happened instead, was a couple of these young, good looking blokes came in and sat near the birds. Next minute, the whole crowd was having a great time and the birds were flitting between the young guys and the old blokes. I just couldn’t get a decent pic, so I went home and gave myself a good seeing to instead.”

Mr Smallprick’s complaints were mirrored by another tabloid hack, who refused to tell us his name. Mr Anonymous said, “How the hell can I make a living writing bullshit stories about your bog-standard stereotypes when it’s getting harder to find enough ofb’s [old, fat bastards] to fill a story?”

“Before, we could get a rise out of the average punter back home by painting these ofb’s as ‘what if this was your dad fondling a girl young enough to be his granddaughter?’ You’d get plenty of reaction and these dirty old raincoat brigade perverts would cop plenty of flak. Now, I’m stuffed. How can I write a story about a decent-looking, fit, young bloke knobbing a young Thai bird? It’s just not right.”

Anonymous continued, “There should be a bloody law stopping anyone under the age of 40 coming to Pattaya and getting it on with the girls. It makes you sick.”

Smallprick added, “It’s lucky the younger blokes are prepared to dress like dickheads on a stag night, otherwise we snappers would be stuffed.”

©Duncan Stearn